i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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