Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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