Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
