he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
