I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
