apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
