You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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