im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
