Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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