I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
