checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
