Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
