someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
