Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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