How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
