I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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