I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
