I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
