I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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