i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
