I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
