so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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