we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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