i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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