My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Randomize
