the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize