I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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