This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
