My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
