If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
