You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
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