peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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