My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
