So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
