I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
