ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
