My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Drunk is not a location!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize