I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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