Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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