I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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