the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
