Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize