At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
