I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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