I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
