How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize