i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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