Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
