you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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