Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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