I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize