your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
