DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
