My sheets look like a crime scene.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
