I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
