Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
