I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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