I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
