I can't watch pbs sober anymore
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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