The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
