if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
