did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
